Coming Out, Greek Life, & Changing a Nation

It’s rather strange that in the days before National Coming Out Day we are writing and talking about the tragic loss of life. National Coming Out Day was created to celebrate our lives and to celebrate the enthusiasm and cathartic nature of being who we are. It has been twelve years since Matthew Shepard was left to die on a fence outside of Laramie, Wyoming. A decade later, we are now mourning the untimely passing of Tyler, Seth, Raymond, Billy, Cody, Asher, Harrison, Felix, and Caleb- nine young lives that could not see beyond the homophobia and picture a life worth living. Unfortunately, there are many unnamed lives that were taken due to the hate and homophobia along with the nine lives that we are aware of.  Even worse, is there will be more lives in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead.  The Trevor Project (trevorproject.org) estimates that over ten thousand LGBTIQQ youth will take their own lives within the next year.

We are struck by the complexity of emotion that goes through us with each new suicide and related news stories.  This past month has brought about the dissonance of youth and experience.   If we would have known in our teens what we know now, we might not have been scared, confused or insecure.  We love what being gay and out has brought to our lives - friends, love laughter, peace and family.  To each of the lives lost, we want to shout at the top of our lungs -- "it gets better...what are you doing... just give it a few more days, months or years... we got through it and so will you!"  We often ask ourselves, if we had had an "us or someone like us" when we were growing up, would we be different?  Perhaps we would be less jaded, but we also might be less resilient.

We also know deep down just how they must have been feeling- "the anxiety of a parent or friend finding out...the lonely isolation of not knowing who to talk to...not being able to trust all of my friends with this secret...and trying to find just that one person who understands." Many of us within our community have felt this lonely and unworthy, especially as we were coming to terms with our identity no matter what age we are when we come out. We got through it and we have danced onto the other side and celebrated. But we have forgotten to turn around and reach back offering a shoulder or hand to those who are struggling. We have moved on without offering as much as an ear to listen or a nod to acknowledge the pain. We need to support each other through all of our times, not just the highs and the lows, but each and every day. Isn’t this what we all learned during our member education process?

This past month Campus Pride (campuspride.org) released the “2010 State of Higher Education for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender People” which included 5,149 participants (LGBTIQQ students, faculty, staff, and administrators) representing over two thousand campuses in all fifty states. The report discovered that LGBTIQQ students, faculty, and staff remain at significantly higher risk, compared with their heterosexual and gender conforming counterparts, for harassment on our colleges and universities. Participants reported that much of the neglect or overt hostility and harassment they experience on college and university campuses comes directly from professors and staff employees, and also from adult members within the off-campus community. Participants often claimed that, overall, their institutions are doing little or nothing to improve conditions.

Complacency and inaction demonstrates acceptance! Suicide and harassment can be prevented! Action is necessary from all levels of the community!

Greek Life has historically demonstrated the values and tradition of leadership that have often been used to eradicate hate and bias. Brothers and Sisters have bonded together in the spirit of community service and philanthropy in hopes of changing the campus community and make it a better place for all. The energy and drive that Greeks bring to any culture change is dynamic and contagious. During this time, Greek Life is more important than ever in helping us all improve the campus climate into becoming more inclusive then ever. For each of us, Greek Life has been an important and critical support in our lives. Our Brothers and Sisters continue to lift us on their shoulders and fights for our place at the table. In the past ten-plus years, the four of us have been given so much by so many Greeks that we cannot begin to imagine our lives without our Brothers and Sisters.

The Southern Poverty Law Center’s program (splcenter.org), Teaching Tolerance, is offering a free video on bullying (http://www.tolerance.org/order) - perhaps this could start conversations where you live. The key here is to not assume that someone else is going to do something- the key here is that Greeks can and should do something. We are the best tool we have to start conversations and enact change. Greeks do this every day!

As we travel around the country speaking to college students, staff, faculty, and community members we see a lot - pain, guilt, fear, anger, apathy, energy, organizing, fundraising, and paralysis. We have also witnessed the power of Greek Life making the changes on campus by co-sponsoring LGBTIQQ events; standing beside and in front of gay Brothers and lesbian Sisters when anyone makes derogatory comments; supporting those members who have just come out; and challenging the administration to become more inclusive. We do not have any more time to waste. What will you and your organization do?

Jessica Pettitt, Sister of Delta Gamma, Social Justice Educator, LGBTIQQ Advocate, and speaker with Kirkland Productions


Shane Windmeyer, Brother of Phi Delta Theta, Executive Director of Campus Pride and speaker with CAMPUSPEAK, Inc.


Bil Leipold, Brother of Sigma Phi Epsilon, Associate VP at Rutgers University, LGBTIQQ Educator and speaker with The College Agency


Dr. Joe Bertolino, Brother of Delta Sigma Phi, VP of Student Affairs at Queens College, LGBTIQQ Educator and speaker with The College Agency

It's Happening Now

This week's post is a guest post from Jessica Pettitt, a nationally-known speaker on a variety of topics and founder of I am... Social Justice.

I have gotten 5 phone calls this fall from campus professionals needing assistance on reacting to a trans student joining a chapter or registering to go through formal recruitment. The NCAA reports receiving over 30 requests for guidance in dealing with trans athletes. Trans students, faculty, staff, and alumni happen – and it is happening now. Trans inclusion is a new concept for most campuses and even those that have gone as far as to add gender identity and expression into their non-discrimination policies haven’t done much since then. Even the most progressive campuses still have acts of violence, bias, hate, etc. Much like racism isn’t over, homophobia, heterosexism, sexism, etc., are alive and well. The conversation that needs to take place is how do these realities impact our campus climate and the fraternal movement.

Single gendered organizations are by definition groups of members based on the conflation of sex and gender. Title IX codes were developed to provided equal access for female/women in response to male/men inequitable funding. The inconsistent applications of sex and gender have made gender designation significantly more complicated than it should be. In response to this complication, some single gendered organizations have created definitions of the sex/gender requirements or expectations based on hormone levels or chromosomal make up of an individual. A new NCAA report recommends that trans athletes are able to perform based on hormone levels while also being able to identify and express their gender separately. The fraternal movement needs to contemplate these complications and develop a similarly simple policy.

For example, a student athlete can identify as a man, use male pronouns, have XX chromosomes, and not pursue a testosterone therapy treatment and compete on a women’s team. If this student does pursue testosterone therapy, he can request an exemption from NCAA and perform on a men’s team. A transwoman (a person labeled male at birth and XY chromosomes) student athlete can compete on a men’s team or after a year of testosterone blockers and/or estrogen hormone therapy, she can compete on a women’s team. Trans folks taking hormones regularly have their estrogen/testosterone levels checked, but like non-trans, or cisgendered, folks, rarely have their chromosomes checked. Cisgendered men and women rarely have their hormone levels checked unless they are experiencing fertility or menopausal concerns. My question to the NCAA, and to all of us within the fraternal movement is - are we willing to set policies based on blood tests? If so, all members (active and alumni) would need to be tested. We could also trust and respect how an individual identifies themselves and allow for someone to develop through membership to be themselves?

These questions, lead me and an intern, Sarah Fielding, to write a Trans Resource Guide for Fraternities and Sororities: Beginning the Conversation found at www.lambda10.org/transgender . We gathered narratives from trans students that contemplated going through recruitment, joined Panhellenic, IFC, and NPHC organizations, and alumni that are still actively involved with their chapters and campuses. Please read these with the respect they deserve. Due to the climate, names, institutions, and Greek organizations have been changed to offer anonymity to the authors. The voices included in this resource guide are from lesbian, gay, bisexual, heterosexual, and queer, students of color, gender queer students, transmen, transwomen, advisors, faculty, staff, current undergraduate students, graduate students, active alumni, and de-pledged sisters and brothers from local and national fraternities and sororities on small, medium, and large research institutions within the United States. We also pulled together a lot of resources to help support the trans advocates that are doing GREAT work within chapters, organizations, and on campus.

Gamma Alpha Omega, a NALFO affiliated sorority, contacted me over a year ago when a chapter wanted to extend membership to a transwoman. The chapter turned to the national leadership for guidance. After a long process of education and conversations, GAO now includes gender identity/expression to their non-discrimination policy. Kappa Delta Chi and Omega Delta Phi have followed suit. Even with a more inclusive non-discrimination policy in place – there is still a lot of work to do for members. I don’t think answers can be developed until the conversation is started.

Now what? Thank you for your work and in advance for starting this conversation. If you are interested in joining in for a one hour free webinar on trans inclusion within the fraternal movement, feel free to visit http://breakdrink.com/conference/trans-and-greek/

Busted: Stupid T-Shirt Decisions

This is a guest blog post from Ryan Hilperts, Director of AFLV Awards & Assessment, and a member of the Connections Magazine Editorial Board. 

Usually the Busted! features take a moment to point out our less-than-stellar brethren who have found themselves on the front page of the newspaper for their poor choices. But let's not forget there are other ways to have our stupidity captured!  We still have those among us who are making poor choices, and the only folks documenting it are the 2,783 people around with cell phone cameras. It’s tough to decide whether that's better than the newspaper...or not.

What can we say? When poor choices are made in the name of fraternity, we get a wee bit cranky. And we aren’t much to forgive and forget. We also think there is value in learning from others’ mistakes.

This is one such opportunity.

In case you can’t read it clearly, the shirt on the right says, “The University might have f----d us, but at least we don’t f--- each other.” Conveniently, the fraternity supplied its nickname and the year the shirt was made for historical purposes. Thanks for that.

It seems that this particular chapter may have been held accountable for some stupid behavior (poor choice(s)) by the University. It also seems that they’re less than pleased about that. Further, we think their point is that being in trouble – to whatever extent that is for these gentlemen – is less bad than other things they could be doing. We think. Maybe. Or they’re just raging homophobic folks who decided to put that fact on a t-shirt. Could be both.

It doesn’t matter when or why or how the fraternity got to a place where they decided to make these t-shirts. Not an ounce. Because here they are, live and in color.

Us Busted! folks have seen a lot of fraternity and sorority t-shrits gone wrong in our day. We may even have played a round of "I Can Beat That" with other fraternity/sorority professionals while talking about t-shirt designs we’ve seen. Yet this completely takes the cake. Do we need to point out the eleventy seven ways it’s wrong? Really? And what about the company that took money from these men and printed them right up, lickety split? We’d like a word with them too, pretty please.

The whole batch of shirts should be tossed in the middle of that Greek Week bonfire held after the all-Greek BBQ that is oh-so-good at solving all of our Greek unity problems. Pour on the gasoline. Use an extra match, or seven.

For the record, we don’t care if every single other fraternity and/or sorority on this campus wore shirts that day that SCREAMED values and integrity. Don’t care if they were glow-in-the dark or included every sequin the Radio City Rockettes have to offer. This one easily would have canceled all of that out.  Hmmmm....wonder where all those negative stereotypes about fraternities and sororities come from?... Hmmmm.

Can we please stop talking about hazing?

Rick Barnes is a member of the Association of Fraternal Leadership & Values Board of Directors, a member of the CAMPUSPEAK speakers roster, and President of Rick Barnes Presents. We thank him for his guest blog post this week for National Hazing Prevention Week.


I remember when I first started thinking about joining something called a fraternity. I’m a first-generation fraternity member in my family - my parents were not in one of these organizations. I thought it looked fun. The parties were great, the presence on campus was huge, the commitment to one-another appeared solid and really looked like something I would want to be a part of. But there were a few things that made me second-guess any desire to join. One of those was hazing.

I graduated from high school as a three-letter athlete and as class president. I had great grades, had that girlfriend I thought would last forever (and she did for about three months...but that was forever back then). I didn’t need fraternity. I just thought it looked like fun. But, one thing I wasn’t willing to put up with was hazing. Not by anyones definition. Even as a freshman in college I was aware of the issue. I’m not sure I knew the word hazing...I just knew I wasn’t willing to put up with someone screaming at me, making me do things I didn’t want to do, treating me abusively, or any of that. I thought the fraternity and sorority community looked like a lot of fun, but I wasn’t about to be willing to let anyone haze me. And I challenge anyone to suggest that I am any less a fraternity man because I was willing to say no.

Looking back, I am so thankful I finally decided to join a fraternity. I can readily admit the decision to join has impacted every area of my life - my personal and professional life. It was absolutely one of the best decisions I ever made. We are phenomenal organizations - doing some of the best things on college campuses. But despite all of that...despite all the great we do...we’re still not good enough to be able to get away with hazing!

I’ll admit it - I don’t understand hazing. Either side of it. I don’t understand how you can be a big enough bully to do it to someone else, but I also don’t understand how big a wimp you have to be to allow it to happen to you. But to make it even worse, I don’t understand how organizations like fraternities and sororities can be labeled with this one. Organizations composed of “brothers” and “sisters” who have committed to a lifelong membership in organizations who espouse to high values and standards. And then we get tagged with the stereotype of hazing?! Or is it really even a stereotype? No, doesn’t seem to be. In fact, it happens. Way too often! I think it’s time we quit calling it a stereotype and start calling it a fact so that we can acknowledge its presence enough to actually do something about it.

Please don’t try to defend it as a good thing. Hazing is no longer one of those moral or ethical topics. In most states it’s against the law. To suggest that it is a good thing...or to suggest that it has a place in fraternity is suggesting a blatant violation of the law.

Okay - so what is it? The policies are often hard to interpret. They include words like demeaning, degrading and disgracing. They tell us we can’t cause bodily harm, offensive punishment or pain. We aren’t supposed to cause psychological harm or hinder a students academic efforts. So what is it? Seems to me the policies are simply saying folks should treat one another as friends and with respect and dignity. Or, another way to say it - I think the policies are simply saying we should treat each other as brothers and sisters. How can fraternity and sorority members argue with that? We claim that responsibility in our purpose. How we complain that we might be singled out or held to a higher standard on this issue. Isn’t that exactly what we want?

So can I offer this suggestion - can we please stop talking about hazing? Can we - as fraternity and sorority members - please stop complaining and arguing and suggesting that it’s not fair? Can we please just do what we said we would do - raise the standards and live to higher values. Why can’t we just step up and be the leaders we say we are? If hazing takes place at all, let’s let this one be someone else’s issue.

My #NHPW Pledge

As you are all well aware by now, this week is National Hazing Prevention Week. It is an important week to shine the spotlight on the dangers of hazing, and the ways in which each of us can make a difference, in both large and small ways. It seems like this year, we've been talking about hazing a lot lately, thanks to hazing in professional sports and other areas that has been in the news and made the way around social media circles. Unfortunately, we've had a lot of talk, and not a lot of action.

I began #NHPW with a trip to see the Cowboys and Bears play in Arlington, Texas on Sunday. I could spend time arguing for or against my decision. Just like hazers can and will provide you with a million reasons why hazing is positive for their chapter. But that would be a waste of your time and mine. While watching the game, and taking in the spectacle that is the new Cowboys Stadium (it really is something to see), I thought about all of the pomp and circumstance surrounding the game, and the ability to reach those 85,000 plus people in that stadium, and in other stadiums across the country. What if, instead of the silly games players hosted from the ginormous screen, we had messages about the dangers of hazing instead? What if the players themselves sent the message that hazing was wrong, and harmful? How impactful could that be?

Over the past 48 hours, I've reflected on this topic more, and read some great #NHPW thoughts from a number interfraternal leaders about their perspectives on hazing. This of course lead to more thinking. I've been quick to criticize the NFL, ESPN, and other pro-sports teams for allowing, and in some cases even promoting hazing behavior. I was quick to call Lady Antebellum on the carpet for their "Lady Hazes" series on their website and blog. But have I worked with any fraternity or sorority chapters or councils lately on combating hazing here at home in our own backyard? No. I haven't. Have you?

It is always easier to call others out, and hold them accountable for their actions. It is usually easier than paying attention to or fixing our own problems. What if we focused on ourselves for a while, made some strides, and then went out and challenged others to live up to a higher standard. Wouldn't our message be more powerful? Individually, it is easy to feel overwhelmed with the issue, bury our head in the sand, and go about our work. Collectively, we are a powerful force. It just takes one student in a chapter who is willing to speak up, and someone who is willing to support them in that process. I can do that.

My #NHPW pledge this year is to focus on us. On our chapters, councils, and campuses that support and enable hazing behaviors. I could spend my time writing e-mails and challenging other groups to make a change in their behavior, but I truly believe it will be more powerful once we have made a change ourselves. Wouldn't it be cool if in 10 years, hazing is a distant memory, and we have hundreds of organizations, thousands of chapters, and millions of members who are proud of their values based organizations? How have you reflected on hazing this week? What will you commit to doing differently? Will you join me?

Supporting Multicultural Organizations

In conjunction wtih the most recent issue of Connections Magazine, focused on Cultural Greeks this week's blog post is a guest post from Gary Ballinger. Gary is a member of Phi Delta Theta and works in Alumni Relations at Indiana State University. He is also serves a member of the AFLV CFL/NBGLC Planning Team, and has held a number of volunteer and professional roles in Fraternity/Sorority Life during his career. If you are interested in writing a guest blog post, contact Tricia@aflv.org .

Over the course of my career in Fraternity/Sorority advising I have been asked thousands of questions from students, family, parents, administrators, and even strangers on a plane. For the most part the questions are pretty innocuous and it’s easy to answer in thoughtful ways even the inevitable, “So you just plan parties?” question. But the questions that have always irritated me have been ones that I’ve received from my fellow advising professionals (along with inquisitive looks): “Why are you so involved with multicultural organizations? You aren’t (insert any cultural/ethnic identity here) are you?”


Those questions have always bothered me, but I have usually answered with the stock response of “it’s about remaining culturally competent in our profession, serving the needs of all of our students, and supporting student organizations with a strong cultural identity and focus.” The answer I wish I would have given is: “Why aren’t you?”

There are number of observations that I’ve made about our profession and the way that we advise cultural organizations on campus…and to be honest the results aren’t always that great.

• Advisors are uninformed. Undoubtedly we are shaped by our undergraduate experiences and the majority of professional advisors come from a traditional NIC or NPC experience. Those valuable experiences have given them insight into the workings of their organizations, but often result in a narrow view of the fraternal world. We need to encourage and promote opportunities for advisors to educate themselves on an undergraduate student experience through the cultural identity lens. Sometimes it’s difficult to admit when we don’t know how to work with a student or student group, but you must learn to admit it, utilize your students and other professionals as resources and educate yourself. You cannot be timid or afraid of admitting your faults…it is truly the only way you will grow.

• Advising is delegated. Intentionally or not, advisement of Multicultural Greek Councils, Asian Pacific Islander Councils, National Pan-Hellenic Councils, or Latino Greek Councils is often delegated to a graduate assistant. While this opportunity can be very important for a graduate experience the graduate assistant may not have the wealth and breadth of experience (or time) that a full time professional staff member could devote toward a council. Often times, professional advisors put the time, energy, and money into where the majority of their student membership is based and that has been with traditional IFC or Panhellenic Associations. Advisors need to shift the way that they view advising on their campus and devote an equal amount of time to cultural based organizations and their councils.

• Advisors are scared. I’ve been a part of many conversations about advisement of cultural organizations and I sometimes get a sense of fear from Caucasian Advisors. I’ve tried for years to figure out where this fear comes from and why some advisors do not hold their cultural greek letter organizations to the same standards. Unfortunately, I’ve heard one too many advisor comment that they “don’t want to be labeled a racist” when they confront issues with the cultural greek organizations on their campus. If you hold all organizations on campus to the same standard, are consistent with your decisions, fair, and reasonable there is no reason to have this fear.

• Prestige. Let’s face it how much time at conferences does everyone sit around and share their “horror stories?” There are the constant comparisons of how much time you put in the office, how many meetings you have a week, how late you stay in the office, and all the weekends you spend alone at your desk. For whatever reason, all of these things have developed into sense of prestige in our profession. That prestige also carries over to the councils and organizations you work with on campus. I believe that it is seen as more advantageous to advise the “big councils” which are made up of our NIC and NPC groups. Focus some time and energy on the things that matter, take some time to really get to understand the needs of your cultural greek letter community. You might be surprised how easy it is to impact the community/council in positive ways.

• Separation. On campuses with so much going on advisors are spread pretty thin. Having separate councils, executive board meetings, council meetings, new member symposiums, retreats, president’s meetings, etc. add to this burden. Look at your councils’ training and meeting schedule and see if there are ways that you can consolidate and provide the same training for all organizations and councils at one time. I’m surprised at how many campuses have separate executive retreats for each council, and then constantly complain that the councils don’t communicate or interact with one another. Build those expectations for communication and community building from the beginning of their experience…it’s part of your responsibility.

Ultimately we are responsible to our students and our campuses and should strive to give them an equitable amount of our time, energy and talent. It is the responsibility of each of us to ensure that we are able to educate ourselves on the needs of cultural greek organizations and the students involved in them. You should devote as much time to the understanding and development of a cultural greek organization as you do to other aspects of your job. You shouldn’t be asking me, “Why are you so involved with multicultural greek organizations?” You should be asking yourself, “Why aren’t I?”

The Final Straw

Over the past few months, we've seen a spike in coverage of hazing and hazing related activities in professional sports and other areas. Many have posted great blogs about the topic and calls to action for the fraternal movement. I have spent many early morning runs pondering the topic, and wondering what we could be doing differently. I've avoided adding another blog to the pile, mostly because I wasn't sure I had anything different or unique to say. That is, until this morning.

I'm a fairly frequent Twitter user, and follow several hundred fellow Tweeters (or Twitters as Betty White would call them...). This morning, one of my favorite country bands, Lady Antebellum (@ladyantebellum) posted the following tweet:

"Lady Hazing is back!! The latest victim is big, bad @blakeshelton. Check out the new Webisode and sing along here: http://bit.ly/bKcnTG"

Really? When did hazing become so cool across the board? It is because of the social media explosion over the past few years? Or has it always been around and we just haven't noticed it because we didn't used to have so much constant contact with others through Twitter, FB, etc?

I've felt somewhat helpless about the whole situation for the past few weeks, as more professional sports teams and ESPN pile on more fuel to the problem. And I'm not quite sure where to start. I'm pretty sure that ESPN won't miss me as a single viewer, especially since I tune in so infrequently. I'm fairly confident most professional sports teams won't miss my ticket sale, since I don't catch that many games. I don't think Lady A will miss me at their next concert.

So what can I do? What can you do? What can we do together? Clearly we aren't doing enough. I think it is time to get the dialogue really started - with lots of voices participating in the conversation. Signing petitions is a good start - many of us have done that over the past few weeks. But I think we need to do more. Individually and collectively. It is time to make a bigger dent, and with the beginning of a new semester, the time is right. Start throwing out your ideas. Think big, broad, and bold. Challenge yourself, and challenge others.