Monday, November 2, 2009

Risk Management for Dummies

(this post is brought to you by Scott Clark, Coordinator of Greek Life, University of Missouri)

We like it.

Risk Management for Dummies:

The Checklist – The New Policy

• You can drink every night of the week, of age or not, with the intent to get blackout drunk.
Disclaimer: By agreeing to this bullet, you cannot hold anyone accountable for any injuries, hospital visits or death claims in the event you do not wake up from one of your nights out. 

• You may haze every member, new or active, in the hopes of creating a unified force that stimulates stronger brotherhood/sisterhood.

Disclaimer: By agreeing to this bullet, you agree that you cannot use any excuse that would put blame on any member, new or old, for your actions in the court of law. Furthermore, you cannot file a lawsuit or ask for money if you are found guilty in the court of law and sent to jail for your actions. You also agree to demonstrate your hazing activities to your family, friends, and the victims family and friends as well. 

• You are more than happy to degrade members of your organization as well as members of other organizations. It will boost your self-worth.
Disclaimer: By agreeing to this bullet, you agree to showcase your actions to your friends, parents, alumni, and national headquarters. Heck, showcase it to the media and news outlets. 

• You are more than welcome to get shitfaced at philanthropies and service events. Why not serve yourself first before you give back to the community?

Disclaimer: By agreeing to this bullet, you acknowledge that philanthropic endeavors are worthless and that helping others is a waste of time. 

• Go to class only when you feel necessary. Academics are only a small portion of your collegiate experience.
Disclaimer: By agreeing to this bullet, you agree not to hold your friends, fraternity/sorority brothers, alumni, University administrators (faculty or staff), significant others, etc. accountable for your poor academic performance. 

• In your chapter, don’t worry about others, worry about yourself. It is your experience that is important.
Disclaimer: By agreeing to this bullet, you agree that you are more important than your pledge class, the chapter, and the national organization. 

• When throwing parties, don’t have any rules. Anything goes at your events. No lists, no security, no laws to follow…you are invincible. 

Disclaimer: By agreeing to this bullet, you agree to be held accountable for any policies broken, you agree to be arrested, you agree to be sued, you agree to go to jail, you agree to go to a funeral in the event of a victim’s death, you agree to speak to the media, you agree to inform news outlets of your “no rules” policy. Finally, you agree to not hold anyone else accountable except for yourself.

This policy was created to provide you as a student with what you wanted. If you agree with these bullet points & disclaimers, please sign below. 




*Disclaimer: This is not a real policy. This is for idiots.

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